I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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