but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
