i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Green mimosas i think yes
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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