I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
