Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
