my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
