my vag is so smooth its legendary
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We're too hungover to prance.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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