you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Randomize
