problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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