Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
