hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
