This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
