the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
