I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
