nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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