I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
