Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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