girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
