Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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