I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
