Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
