I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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