a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
When are your genitals available?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
