Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
