i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Randomize
