My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts