Is that why you're texting me
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!