Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
