I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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