You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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