how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
