You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
