I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
