he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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