You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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