that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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