I faked an abortion last night.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
