Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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