I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
