I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Randomize
