I'm jealous of your bromance
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
