I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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