the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
