So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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