take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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