Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
