I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
