My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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