fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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