Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
