It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
