OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
