Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
