I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
