You just made me feel so damn special
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
