Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
It's official drugs can't kill me
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
