I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
