u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
